(This is my version of Jessica Zafra’s The 500 People You Meet in Hell. Click here for book preview.)
WARNING: This is a little nasty. Not for the faint-hearted.
The elementary teacher who said “Kung indi lang ni taas ilong nya, ano ayhan iya itsura.” The nerve! She was just a substitute teacher to another grade so she wasn’t even my teacher. When she said that she was talking to my teacher as if I wasn’t there. I think I was in Grade 4 then. I can’t remember her name nor her face but I know she is not a beauty queen contender herself. I wish she can see me now. I am no swan but I am not an ugly duckling either. Yeah, I was thin and a bit dark-skinned for playing outdoors but a teacher is not supposed to say that to a child. God knows how many children she has hurt in her entire career. In Hell, she is doomed to give birth to tiyanaks for all eternity.
The Administrative Officer of the first office I worked for who made me think evil thoughts (murder). She’s a miserable old woman and she wants other people to be miserable like her. We were young and idealistic and she was the epitome of a government employee who thinks she has all the power at her disposal and has the right to make our life a living hell. She is the inspiration for Yano’s Banal na Aso, Santong Kabayo. When she retired everybody celebrated and nobody volunteered to give her a testimony. We’d rather give her our eulogy. Let’s be kind to an old woman, her punishment will be something she does best. To be Hell’s mayordoma.
My teacher in Advance Mathematics who gave me my first wasay. For the record, everybody who passsed the subject got a grade of line of 7 except for one student. He spoiled the chances of a lot of engineering students from my batch to be a cum laude (ehem, including me). We can’t escape him since he’s the only one who handles the subject. In order for the younger generation not to suffer the same fate, the students filed a petition to the Office for Student Affairs and the next year, they found a more capable teacher. His punishment in Hell is to solve the complete value of Pi, e and ?2 up to the last digit. In the unlikely event that he ever finds the exact value, his next assignment is to build a building the height of the World Trade Center. He will then sit at the lobby and wait till the Al Qaeda bomb the building and it falls on top of him and the punishment starts all over again.
My playmates who conspired against me in a game of lab-utanay where the punishment for the loser was to be whacked by every player with a slipper (usually Dragon brand). My butt hurt for days and my legs got hematoma from the whacking. Since we had fun when we were kids, their punishment will be lighter. They will be hanged on the walls of Hell just like dart boards and used for target practice (using pitchfork) by the creatures in Hell.
The boys who teased me kulakig in elementary. They are condemned in Hell to eat nothing but their booger until they become so thin that you would think African famine victims are obese.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
hehe … thanks for the laugh
and the link to my site
hehe…no problem. i had to throw away some excess baggage.
haha. hilarious. ima make my own version if you dont mind
hehe..go ahead chels.
miga, patawa ka. Ya shoulda made your list longer, para mas damo pa gid kadlaw. Daw di man halata na imbyerna ka sg nag post ka ah.
May: miga, those were on top of my list. if i listed all of them i would probably make a book. too bad jessica zafra beat me to it.